I decided to try and learn how to do draw again! Not to like, an excellent degree or anything, but I more or less want to be able to get to the point where I can have passable sketches to enhance certain ~projects~.
That actually feels pretty achievable, like I have zero innate talent but im not aiming that high, and even after a little bit of practice I can tell that this is something I can definitely improve at until I get to the point I want. So I might be expanding this site a little less regularly while I focus on that more, but I'll be keeping up with diary entries still!! And I swear I'll write something in that journals page at some point, I usually always write out insane spiels to myself in txts and talking out loud, but now that I aactually have a place for them to live nothing is really coming to mind, lol. But it will eventually.
Otherwise I'm sleeping really weirdly and dont exactly know what counts as a day any more, but I'm okay! I feel a little aimless, like I have medium-term plans I'm pursuing that.. I don't not
want to be doing them, but I don't necessarily want
to be doing them either? Like, its just something to do I guess, to have some sense of moving forward and get in a better situation that presents more opportunities for life to like, have meaning lol.
Despite that I'm also getting wracked by vivid, slightly painful and kind of formless waves of intense emotion lately, which feels.. Good? Affirming that I'm alive, I guess? This happens sometimes, and I've tried to explain this feeling before to other people but I've never actually found anyone who can exactly relate, but sometimes I just get like, filled with really intense 'feeling', its not a negative emotion or a positive emotion its just like a huge swelling of.. emotion, that feels too big for my body and I usually just end up crying a LOT. Which sometimes people have thought is concerning and that I'm really sad or something, but I'm not, its just like.. Massive and indefinable emotion, idk. Sometimes it's more tangible, like its out of love or wonder or some vaguely spiritual feeling of oneness with things, but a lot of the time its kind of a mix of everything. I won't say it feels good necessarily, sometimes it can actually feel kinda painful, like it's too much to bear.. But I'm glad it happens to me nonetheless, since it always feels really.. 'real', and I've had long periods of complete dullness that are much much worse than that to bear.
this is more of a vent post than anything else so be warned~
i had a pretty uncomfortable interaction w a person from my past yesterday, which upset me at first but now i just feel glad that people like that aren't really involved in my life any more.
the lore is that when i was 18-20 pretty much my whole social life consisted of a polyculish group of 3-5 friends, centred around london but some people were from nearby parts of the UK & Europe. some of us lived together irl in various configurations over a few years, and we generally spent a LOT of time together. it was nice, and it felt good to be part of such a consistent friend group, but there was also pretty much constant drama, worsened by a really shitty culture of terrible communication, blame and narrativising. very tumblr callout post shit. anyway eventually we all drifted apart from each other and now that group doesn't really exist as a cohesive thing any more, with everyone on varying terms with each other.
back then all that stuff was all pretty forgivable, cus we were ultimately just a bunch of kids; but i guess that style of 'conflict resolution' is still how some of those people do stuff, and the interaction i had was pretty hostile and took me back a little bit to those days. and back then i'd always have to go back at them and 'make my case', because otherwise a malicious counternarrative thats totally unmoored from reality would be what people believe. but uh, thats not my social world any more and they're not my friends, and thaaankkk fucking GOD for that. like, they can still occasionally come back and accuse me of stuff with their narrativistic intrapersonal pilpul, but ultimately they're just some random losers now and their opinions don't matter.
so that feels v freeing, to not really be bound by their toxic moralistic worldview any more and just not caring any more.
anyway on a positive note i have felt better lately overall, and im really glad i have people in my life now with whom connection is easy and natural, and they're not insanely high-strung. in conclusion i love my bff/gf very much!!
so, this diary is not going to be like an every-day thing, i already keep a daylio and have a personal weekly journal i write every sunday, buuuuut i am gonna put entries here whenever anything actually interesting happens in my life, i have ~feelings~ i wanna spam into the void or if i just feel like it.
today i didnt do very much but work on this site, specifically this page which after more work than it looks like i finally got mostly-presentable!! i don't really understand html/css at all in any kind of functional, mechanical way, i dont really have the brain for that, but i can kind of slam things together until they work and cling to an ephemeral understanding of some functions for just about as long as i need to. its more like magic to me than any kind of language or engineering system, but im going to make a post in writing about that sometime so i wont go on here too long.
i also watched a 40 minute documentary today about vriska. over the last few days ive been looking back @ homestuck stuff over and feeling nostalgic; i read it well after the peak of its fandom (early 2017) but i still associate it with nostalgic feelings, less because of the comic itself but because of the time in my life i read it, and my friends back then who were all really into it. i also am again mourning the 12k word script i wrote back then for a homestuck fancomic w/ those friends that never materialised into anything because art is hard. its still the longest single thing ive ever written and i s2g it was GOOD. working collectively with others on a creative project like that was really really cool, as was doing something so character-driven. its inspired me 2 galvanize together some vague ideas for a new character-driven project, because i LIKE writing people, even if they're kinda smoothed over or absent in a lot of the things i do write. probably because the kind of characters i write best are ones that dont take themselves too seriously, and the things ive written lately have been less on the lighthearted side.... im just edgy like that...........
personally i kind of feel like im wilting lately, but maybe today is a turning point in that a little. the last week ive been pretty depressed and felt physically like im deteriorating; sleeping poorly, my nails breaking, etc etc. ive noticed my face looking thinner than usual even as a chronically underweight person, which combined with the mixed job i did @ trimming my own bangs a few days ago has made me feel pretty bad about my appearance. however i have an extremely erratic and apparently kinda deranged perception of the way i look, so how much of that is real and how much of it is my ?BDD? is up for debate, lol. pretty sure my self-trimmed bangs do objectively look at best silly though.
but today i did the dishes and picked up the clothes i bought from the post office, all of which are aesthetic/comfy, which has made me feel incrementally better about myself.
ok this was longer than i expected i will stop now!! also sorry if this typing style is annoying, but im just using my general 'chatting' style of posting, with the exception that when im chatting w/ people i tend to rapidfire messages instead of write paragraphs. so yr spared that at least...